What's that?

No, I never contacted you about a "low interest morta(ge rate", so don't bother "responding" to me. I'm sure the 17 other colleagues of mine that you Cc'ed on this personal matter aren't interested, either.

Same deal for that mort_gage rate of yours.

I never asked be subscribe to your mailing list looking for a VA loan, either, so why should I trust you to to unsubscribe me when I ask?

I don't care about the latest styles and promotions. I'm not adding you to my address book, and I'd thank you to get mine out of yours.

My office is just fine, so I won't need to transform it, either.

Going out on a limb here, I'm guessing the latest craze isn't actually imitation rolexes (the 80's called, they want their craze back), and despite your assertion that this will "[i]mpress you're lady", I'm guessing that if you can't assemble a sentence with correctly-spelled words, a watch might be a bit above you and your colleagues. I don't care if it's a rawlex, rollax, rawlax, or a repliac of anything.

A massage is something I can get at the local health spa, so I don't think I'll be ordering one online. I don't want a franchise of anything, I have all the software I need, and I never wrote to you with the subject "[1]", so "responding" to that won't get you anywhere. I already have a cell phone and a long-distance plan to stay in touch with my loved ones, thankyouverymuch, and I'm happy with the plans I have. Hence, I won't be needing a "walkie-talkie for grown-ups".

I never e-mailed anyone a ZIP file, an EXE, a screensaver, a PIF attachment, or a BAT file, so I'm guessing that the failure notice that arrived in my Inbox isn't legit. I especially didn't mail any of those to anyone in Australia, Russia, Switzerland, or New Zeland. For that matter, I don't speak or read French, Cyrillic, Mandarin, Thai, or 64-bit encoded text. Blame it on my obnoxious situation of being an American who's several years out of high school and hasn't touched a foreign language book since.

No, I won't open any of those files "just in case".

I'm sorry about your Uncle, Father, Brother, Aunt, Cousin, Son and Daughter who were killed in Nigeria, Laos, Sudan, Chechnya, Zimbabwe and South Africa. If you want to arrange a money transfer, contact Western Union.

I haven't missed reading recently, I don't care if Joe hates laughing over there, or whether those singers dislike playing carelessly. Ditto for Alfred's niece and those students last winter.

When I want to go to paradise, New York City, Alaska, a cruise, San Francisco, Orlando, Las Vegas, Sanibel Island, or Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, I'll call my local travel agent, not SmilePop.

I definitely don't want to meet any Christian singles.

While I'm not Tom Cruise, I'm fine with my glasses, my slight pudge, my social skills, and my strength.

I don't need any Levitra, Tramadol, Phentermine, Codeine, Vicodin, Hydrocodone, Ambien, Soma (??), Ultram, Xanax, Propesia, Meridia, Maridia, Zoloft, Valium, Walium, or Zybban. I doubt that I'll be "pleasantly surprised with [your] pricees." I definitely don't need Viagra, Cialis, or Enzyte. I'm young and happily married, thank you. Along those lines, I don't need any X-rated passwords or to find any lonely housewives.

Can I get back to my e-mail now?

-jdm